mon petit bidou

Mon petit bidou - my little belly - is taking officially taking over. It's so remarkable to think that there's a small human growing in a very crowded space, swimming in a fluid and taking nutrients from my body through a chord. Everything that has to come together and function properly is another mesmerizing process, and even more unbelievable is that my body knows what to do without my having to give it instructions. Thinking about my day-to-day accomplishments compared to my bodies leaves me feeling like quite the underachiever; I can barely keep a plant alive but my body can create a human with no instructions manual. 

Intuition is seeing with the soul.
— Dean Koontz

Each month during this pregnancy I have been focusing my energy on different things to help me grow as a person and with our baby boy. Following my nifty Mindful Mom to Be book, month five has been focused on following my intuition to connect with our baby. Intuition is a funny concept because we often tend to think that our thoughts are the equivalent to our intuition, when in fact it's something much deeper than a thought. 

In my interpretation I find that intuition is the equivalent of citta, the yoga sutra meaning your heart mind field of consciousness. Being able to accurately listen to your heart mind means having a clear heart mind - not clouded by judgment, fear, insecurities or the opinions of others. 

This is not an easy task to achieve because life throws so many challenges at us. Sometimes we handle challenges correctly and other times we don’t in which cases we end up feeling guilty and get ourselves stuck in an endless spiral that further clouds our intuition until we lose sight of what is real and what isn't. 

This month in particular was especially important for me to connect with citta and allow myself to focus on what really matters. The challenge came to me in the form of my changing body. I hadn’t really paid attention to how much my body was changing because I don’t have much of a bump yet. However a series of events led to my eventual demise.

It all started with my monthly doctor’s appointment. So far in my pregnancy the scale had been on my team - no crazy surprises. This month it decided to switch teams as it delivered the tough news that I had somehow managed to gain eight pounds in 30 days. The craziest part of this revelation is that I don’t feel like I’ve gained that much; I am still fitting into most of my clothes and have been keeping up with my same workouts. So I put it in the back of my head and stopped worrying about it. It’s gotta all be the extra blood my body is producing, right?

Fast forward to our trip to La Jolla week later and this buried insecurity came back up at full speed. What was most frustrating was that I went into this trip with every intention of embracing my changing body, and I felt great the first few days. Then a mixture of getting swollen after a Studio Barre class and seeing some of the pictures that had been taken at the beach made me realize that my body was not just mine anymore. I sat in my room sulking while everyone had fun at the beach watching the seals swim in the ocean.

In the middle of my feeling sorry for myself for feeling like a burrito in a two piece, God sent me Stephanie - my friend from middle school. She randomly sent me a text after not talking for at least a month and I unleashed the power of text venting. She immediately put things into perspective without making me feel bad about my thoughts, and I got it together and made my way down to the beach in my bikini - embracing my nonexistent waistline as the space that my body is creating to house our sweet boy who is now the size of a cantaloupe. 

At the beach that evening, I sat facing the ocean meditating on creating a safe and happy environment for our boy to grow in, and when I came out of my meditation I noticed a couple taking maternity pictures on the beach. They had their little son with them and the photographer was guiding the expectant momma over towards the water for solo portraits. In the moments I spent watching her take her pictures I connected with my intuition, and I could feel our little baby boy’s light glowing putting off an energy of happiness. 

Living each day consciously is a practice, and each day we are given the opportunity to connect with our true self and that little light living inside of us. Over the past month I have realized that my body is currently home to two lights; two souls - and that miracle alone is a beautiful thing.


*This post was originally written on September 3rd but somehow got lost through Squarespace. If you are working with this website for blogging I recommend writing your blogs on a pages or word document and then transferring it over rather than writing it directly through this site.*